Just Tammy

Family....ha!

2012-02-09T15:15:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I'm angry at my parents....very charismatic yet very anti social. That's me minus the charisma.

I can't talk to mother because she will try to rope me into her next venture or make snide comments about what I like to do.

I can't talk to my dad because it becomes a lecture.

I can't talk to my brothers because that requires emotions.

I can't talk to my sister cause....I could call but she's always busy.

My mother says my dysfunctional childhood was something I made up but in reality she made up some pretty life on her head.

I hate when people blame their childhood on their mistakes as adults. But I'm starting to see some childhood issues have effected my life.

How to I leave the past in the past?

Friends....?

2012-02-03T17:10:00.001-08:00

People use the term BFF, besties, best friends way too loosely. In truth those people you call besties can you depend on them in a jam?

I can truly say I can count on 1 hand how many people I can depend on and even that's with some restrictions.

But way make more than it seems? Why put these crazy labels on something that's not really that way?

Is it because you WANT the BFF who will hold your hand every time the world does you wrong? Or is he/she someone who will give you their last dime & clothes off their back to make sure your happy.

Seriously grow some because that shit ain't real. Being a besties as you twitter people like to say will help you grow some balls and help when it's needed but don't drain your source people, even the best person can take the whoa is me shit.

Being a BFF or simply a friend works both ways. It's hard work to maintain it but making the effort is half the battle.

I've been on both ends of the spectrum, I've been dissed by friends & I've also done my share of dissing and if I do that I'm at an end.

I know a girl who would block you from twitter, keep you in fb cause doesn't check it often enough to be tired of you. Have I gotten that bad....not yet. I sometimes need a break & will not read your tweets & fb updates. Even then it's a bare minimum.

Old habits die hard

2012-02-02T23:02:00.001-08:00

I can't sleep tonight....I'm exhausted and sleepy but every time I try to shut down my mind goes crazy.

When it comes to men I simply go for the unattainable....kinda hoping it will workout but the reality is....I know it never will.

Not that they're out of my league bit I should avoid them at all cost. Their track record alone should make me stay clear.

But here I am flirting it up with another attainable. It's a horrible cycle which makes me question my mental state.

Why do I do this?

What am I afraid of?

Don't I deserve more? I can answer that.....Fuck yeah I do but I stay on this horrible path.

It's not my fetishes...even there I'm leery.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

35 going on 16....simply not cute. I'm stuck and I simply want off this ride.

Little Girl Forever

2010-02-15T18:29:00.001-08:00

Age doesn't matter to parents, I get that. My dad still calls me little girl and my mom just treats me like I'm 4. For some odd reason at 33.5 I'm going through a rebellion, everything my mother says drives me up the wall. I love my mother but sometimes she works a nerve that I can't shake.

My dog lives with her because my apartment doesnt allow dogs. I buy the food, vet bills, even tried to come over on a weekly basis to clean but it was never enough. My dog barked too much, she pooped to much, she jumps on people (my mom started that not I!). I hated to talk to her on the phone because that's all she talked about, she complained to everyone. Now here's the fucking kicker, her renter brings in a small yapper who hates anything bigger than him, so my dog isnt allowed in the house. My dog is 50 lbs. but very gentle, she requires and demands rubs more than most dogs.

I bought my dog a new pillow for her cage, so she could be comforable. I gave it to my mom but she never put in the cage. She wanted to keep it for herself, fine I will get a new one. But why int he fuck when I walk into the renter's room to put something away the pillow I bought for my dog is being used for her fucking dog?! See I complaing like a 12 y/o and I shouldnt.

But I noticed EVERYTHING I do they rag on, I expect it to a certain degree but ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I do is a butt of a joke and I know I'm angry I can't just share. I love music so I go to shows, occassionally I might get a brief interview, can I share that with her? No.
can I share that I'm trying to write fiction? No.

I noticed I can't share much with my family, I was talking to my nephew about my writing, it was the first time someone in my family was geninuinely interested in what I was writing. My dad liked the column but didnt show much interest in the fiction. I envy anyone who has a family who simple listens. I have to listen to everyone's ideas and dreams but not for me its a rare occassion.

Fiction Friday: Summer's Passion

2009-08-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I've been working on a story on the side and this week's challenge worked perfectly for what I had in mind so basically this is a scene I'm planning to incorporating into my story Summer's Passion.
Directions:
[Fiction] Friday Challenge #118 for August 21st, 2009
Start your story with a game of hide and seek.
************************************************************************

"Oh goodie we're playing my favorite game" a voice said from down stairs Summer couldn't move. Kyle had finally gone home and now her stalker was really here in her home. The police told her he was captured; Kyle assured her she was safe even though their parting conversation wasn't its best she knew he would never knowingly leave her in danger.

"Come out, Come out where ever you are”, the voice yelled as he opened the door to the kitchen.
"What’s this?” the voice asked, Summer suddenly hear glass breaking. She knew he threw the bottle of champagne she and Kyle were going to share until they had huge fight. "You've been a bad, bad girl", he continued. Patting herself she realized she was bra less. Crap he found the bra, she thought. No bra meant no cell phone.
She heard him slowing slowly making his way up the stairs she silently closed the bed room door and frantically looking for the house phone Kyle installed when this night mare began. When she clicked talked she was met with static silence. The lines had been cut. She knew she didn't have her cell on her, it was downstairs in her bag. She looked around the room for something, anything.

"I love hide and seek" the voice said, Summer felt chills down her spine. She heard him creep into her bedroom still unaware she was down the hall. She tried the windows but they didn’t budge, cursing the painter who worked on her house last year. When this fiasco started she was thankful because it meant her unseen maniac couldn't get into her house but at the moment her only escape route was a dead end. The street light provided very little light but she was able to make out one of Kyle's bags. She unzipped as quietly as possible and found a gun. Summer only held a revolver once when Kyle took her and Kelly to the firing range before he went to the academy. She hated the way it felt in her hands, the anxiety became too much and Kyle had to remove the gun from her hands, she never touched a gun since.

"When I catch you I plan to show you how bad you've been" the voice said again, it seems like he was exiting her bed room and entering her private music studio. Summer felt like a caged animal, knew she there was no way out. Kyle was gone, the police patrol were also gone, the lines were cut, her cell down stairs, it was only a matter of time before he came into the spare room. The tears welled up in her eyes and knew she was defeated. As the tears rolled down her cheeks she started to shake not just from the fear but the unexpected anger. She was so angry she couldn't even breathe.

Think Zen Summer!, she thought. If I'm going out I'm taking someone with me, she silently ranted to herself. She was completely numb all she could think about was the fact this fucker went through her home, destroyed place of business, and worst of violated her personal space.
Oh that fucker will pay, she thought.

Silently opening the door, she walked slowly to the staircase, she could hear him trashing her studio. She tried not to think about her precious guitars being thrown against the wall and continued down the stairs. Her heart pounding but she focused on the front door and she’ll be free. Just 4 steps to go before she could step down she felt her head yanked back.
‘UGH’, she yelled she felt a fist pound into her head repeatedly.

“You filthy whore! You WHORE!” he yelled, his face was still a mystery. She felt him move over her as he pounded and knew she was going to lose consciousness soon. She couldn’t get away nor could she reach for the gun she had tucked in her back. She tried to remember a few Self Defense maneuvers Kyle tried to instill in her, she aimed for his groin.
He let out a loud groan.
She kneed him again until he was off of her with a new burst of energy she started swinging. But he recovered quicker than she expect and pouched her in the stomach, trying to regain her breathe she was able to nick him in the chin and hit him hard. Stumbling back wards she made it down the last few steps and he came for her again. She pulled out the gun and aimed it at him.
She could barely see with the blood streaming into her eyes. She removed the safety.

“Come on fucker”,she said her hands steady, she had no more fear.

Fiction Friday 8.14.09

2009-08-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

Friday Fiction has arrived and I barely made it!!
Please leave a comment!!!
Directions: End your story with “Hello Jones!”
*********************************************************8
I should have said NO, Cara muttered under her breath as the maitr’d seated her and explained her server will be with her momentarily. Cara wasn’t really listening, she was nervous and wanted to go home and hide in her forum, the place it didn’t matter what she did or didn’t do. She accepted wholeheartedly. She didn’t want to think about the fact being in the said forum is the reason she’s out on a Thursday evening waiting for her mystery date, not a date more like a Hey What’s Up? . Do you wear a new outfit to a Hey What’s Up, she asked her self, after several years of being alone she answered a solid NO.

DontCara: I thought the Temple of Doom sucked.
GeekForce1: How could you think Temple of Doom sucked but the new Star Wars were decent movies?
DontCara: It didn’t say they were good just not as BAD as every1 made them out to be.
Geek Force1: nxt u’ll tell me you thought jarjar binx was ok
DontCara: I think he was misunderstood & nvr appreciated!
GeekForce1: Srly did you hit your head when you feel in you Jimmy Choo’s?
DontCara: hmmmm….me thinks you want to wear them since you know the name.
GeekForce1: Ex lived by them and I paid for most of them.
DontCara: Oh so she got the better end of the break up
GeekForce1: She wish!!
DontCara: so I was right you do like Jimmy’s Choo too!
GeekForce1: Ha. Ha. Srly I paid for them so they were mine. I took them.
DontCara: Not that I honestly care but what did u do w/ them?
GeekForce1: ;-) I sold them on ebay
DontCara: Eww! Ppl bought used shoes?! How many did you put up?
GeekForce1: apparently u ladies will do anything for a label. I think 10 pair.
DontCara: incl dealing with u?. WHAT?! 10 pair! WTF?! Where was i? Well at least u got ur money back
GeekForce1: LOL sorry if I knew u then I would have told ur label luvin’s ass to check it out. actually I didn’t make enough to cover 1 pair,
DontCara: I’m so going to regret this but how much did u sell them for?
GeekForce1: LOL $10 a pair
DontCara: That’s effed up.
GeekForce1: Yeah I’m an ass.
DontCara: I know. So PM me later, I need to watch Project Runway.
GeekForce1: LOL ok label whore, ttyl.

Cara smile as she thought about that first PM, he constantly called her a label whore and she called him grumpy-ass. She constantly found her self saying things she would never say in real life. Cara was the woman you work with but didn’t remember her name even though she’d work there for years. She’s the one people called when they were too drunk to drive but never invited her to the party. She was a mouse. Boring. Quiet. Letting out another sigh, Cara waited at the table for Geek to reject her. And if she was going to be rejected she wanted to make sure she looked damn good. Cara raided her closet for days but nothing looked remotely nice for this meeting. Finally taking a plunge she went to Gap, she really wasn’t a label whore as Geeky liked to call her but it didn’t mean she wasn’t an admirer of certain brands. After 45 minutes she found jeans that molded her curvy hips and a sweater that show enough cleave to remind boys she’s a girl but not so much people would think she was a tart. She wore her hair wild and curly similar to Mel B from Spice Girls minus the tongue ring. She put on her standard mascara and dark pink lip gloss. Not that it would matter, she thought sourly. She remember Geeky likes blondes, he dated a lot so his geekiness works for him. My geek factor is my actual demise.
Her server Brad, interrupted her thoughts. She explained she was waiting for a her someone, he then said he’d wait till her party arrived before talking about the specials but could take her drink order in the mean time. Cara ordered Rum & Coke; why pretend she liked wine she thought. Her goal is to be real, not some timid weakling most people think she was. She looked at her iphone and Geek was 5 mins late. She texted him the name of the restaurant and name the reservations were under in case he beat her there.
She never thought a week ago she’d be in a restaurant waiting to meet him but that was a conversation that has plagued her for days.

DontCara: I hate the movie theatre by my house.
GeekForce1: Why? They’re not playing Twilight?

10 minutes later

GeekForce1: Oh dear gawd you were trying to see that damn Vampire movie?!
DontCara: Don’t t judge me!
GeekForce1: um yeah I can. WTF, dude!
DontCara: Don’t call me Dude I’m a real life girl!!! The books were really good!!!!
GeekForce1: I forgot you hate to be called dude, ur weird at times. srly ur too old for that movie....wait you read the books too?! Ur so the geek tonight.

15 mins later

GeekForce1: Cares? I’m sorry.
DontCara: apology accepted.
GeekForce1: Why don’t u find another theater?
DontCara: No ur right, its stupid.
GeekForce1: Tell ur girls to meet u at another theater

22 mins later

GeekForce1: Cara…..wuts up? ur quiet tonight.

10 mins later

GeekForce1: Cara, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings that was never my intention.
DontCara: I know Geeky
GeekForce1: I’m sorry, srly. Did ur friends say no to the movie?

5 mins later

GeekForce1: wut did i say?
DontCara: u didn’t do anything. Geeky i have no real friends.
GeekForce1: wut do you mean?
DontCara: xactly as I said. I go to wrk, I come home and get online. That’s it.
GeekForce1: who do u hang out w/?
DontCara: no one. Just u….online.
GeekForce1: No u were dating some dude, right?
DontCara: that was 4 months ago and it lasted 1 month. I bored him to death.
GeekForce1: ur not boring ur fuckin hilarious.
DontCara: its true. Listen I’m use to it.
GeekForce1: u need to interact w/ RL ppl
DontCara: Its 2 hard, Ive been at my job for 2 yrs & they still forget to include me in meetings.
GeekForce1: I hate tha fact ur alone
DontCara: its ok, I’m use to it.
GeekForce: Doesn’t make it right. I have an idea…..will u listen to my idea?
DontCara: If you suggest Eharmony to date too late….my profile was reject.
GeekForce1: No, I wasn’t going to suggest that….really rejected? Dude we’re gonna have to have a real convo soon. So I think we should meet up….in RL.

14 mins later

DontCara: um…no.
GeekForce1: that hurts! Why?
DontCara: I don’t date Geeks.
GeekForce1: WTF! Who said it was a date? It’s a Hey What’s Up meeting
DontCara: trust me if we want the friendship to continue online is better.

7 mins later

GeekForce1: Do you really want me to use my Geekness as you put it and show up on your doorstep?
DontCara: Geek….
GeekForce1: The name is Jason, Cara.
DontCara: yeah…ok. Hi Jason.
GeekForce1: Listen I have to run but we’ll talk ON THE PHONE to hash out the details but pls always be honest w/ me. I’m always honest w/ u.
DontCara: ok…wait ur ALWAYS honest with me?
GeekForce1: yeah y the doubt?
DontCara: I don’t know. Don’t want it to end yet.
GeekForce1: shit it seems I’m gonna have to go all girly on u. Listen I care about u, ur real and I like that. Not many ppl in LA are real. So I’m not giving up on you.
DontCara: We’ll see.
GeekForce1: Don’t doubt me. Ciao
DontCara: wait u don’t have my #
GeekForce1: oh seey Cara, u gave it to me months ago….I told you not to drink & play on the internet.

Cara was suddenly distracted when the maitr’d brought a stunningly good looking guy to the table. He must have the wrong spot, so she continued to sip her drink but couldn’t take her eyes off of him. He had to be about 6’2 or 6’3, lean but muscular physique, wavy sandy blonde hair, laughing blue green eyes, who knew eyes could laugh, she thought. And then he smiled and she saw the dimples. She remembered he told her he had dimples.

GeekForce1: I left early from work so I could actually catch up on Battlestar Galatica.
DonCara: What? How did you get out of work so early?
GeekForce1: My dimples are very powerful, friend.
DontCara: LOL well I bet I could resist them!

Cara closed her eyes and opened them and he was still there. This had to be him but he’s no geek, she thought. She stood up and went to stand before him.
“Jason?” she asked in a low voice filled with wonder.
He smiled, took her in his arms and gave her a big hug. He smiled at his new friend.
“Hello, Jones!”

Fiction Friday!!

2009-07-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

So I'm participating in my first fiction Friday challenge, here's the premise....
[Fiction] Friday Challenge for July 17th, 2009
On the way home from work your character stops into a music store and purchases an unusual musical instrument that they’ve always wanted to learn to learn to play. Why today?
***************************************************************************

Today was on of those days I wish I could quit my job, thought Gia. Everything that could go wrong went wrong, whenever she thought she solved a problem she found new problems. Normally she can keep her bosses happy, today they were less than happy. But not just today the whole week. Her confidence in her ability to do her job was at its lowest. She wanted to escape, she wanted to hide. Thank goodness it was Friday! She never thought TGIF would mean so much to her.

Gia was dreaming of a glass of Reisling at the stop light on Sunset and to her right was a Guitar Center. A faint smile spread on her lips and when the light turned green she didnt continue her journey home she sped up, recieved a few flips from fellow L.A. drivers as she made her way into the Guitar Center parking lot.

She was immediately intimidated by all the instruments she didnt know how to play. After beating on a few drums and strumming a few guitars she came across a tamborine. As she held it she remembered going to Matchbox Twenty concerts and Rob Thomas shaking his fine ass with a tambarine as the rest of the band played. Of course Rob wasnt the only artist she's seen with one but he was one her favorites.

As she began to play around with it one of the Guitar Center employees asked if she needed help. As she was about to put the tamborine down she realized she felt instantly better after such a shitty day. She told the sales person she was just buying the tamborine. After making her purchase she stopped at Ralph's to pick up a much needed pint of Cherry Garcia, went home changed into her favorite pair of yoga pants and tank top, poured a glass of the Reseling she was dreaming about, found her favorite Matchbox Twenty song You're so Real on her ipod and just banged her tamborine as if she was Rob Thomas on stage.

It didn't matter if she off beat sometimes she just knew this made her feel good. As she felt better and she knew Monday won't be easy but simply knew it will be better.

A random Monday night

2009-07-13T22:07:00.000-07:00

So when I was on vacation I said I wanted to pierce my nipple. With funds being odd I decided against it and plus didnt want to be on a plane with a newly pierced nipple. So tonight while I was trying to figure out how to pass time I decided why the hell not?! So I called up a few places to see about cost but most were too expensive. The first place I called was cool and the price was reasonable. I went with them.
Kristi explained what would happened advised to do both but if I couldnt take the pain I didnt have to. I picked my ball color (seagreen blue) and went in. IT FUCKEN HURT!! That shit fucking burns!! URGH!! Dont think I'm getting the second anytime soon.

Michael Jackson.....WTF?!

2009-06-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson: The King of Pop

1958-2009

Today I'm at a lost. Even though I've heard it a million times but to hear Micheal Jackson passed away still boggles my mind. Yeah he was my first celebrity crush but his music....his music was amazing. I know many, MANY try to duplicate him but he was the originator, the fucking creator of Pop music.

For years I wished his personal issues would go away so he could put out a good record. I wished and Quincey Jones would rejoin forces and make musical magic. Its the magic that's missing from music today. I wanted....no I needed so just pure and vibrant. But that never came to be. I knew I wouldnt be able to see his concerts he was planning in London but if I had the time and money I would have gone!

Its so sad that someone so full of musical genius is no longer with us. I never knew my heart could hurt for someone I didn't know. I never lost someone who's talent was apart of the soundtrack of my life. Some songs I could hear and remember my childhood and smile.

photo: Wenn

Slight hangover

2009-06-07T09:13:00.001-07:00

I think I have a hangover. I went to see Paul Doucette with Cuckie last night @ the Hotel Cafe and had a great time. I didnt stay long to talk to him but it was great to see him play and sing. He puts on a great show and I plan to attend more of his shows in the future. When i got home the roomie was drinking wine and I had a glass with her. Now I have a headache.
Damn Reisling!! Love that stuff.

Just not enough

2009-06-04T10:57:00.001-07:00

I hate PMS....I just feel a little out of sorts today. I feel like I've extended my creative juices and was left with a bitter lemons and no lemonade. Say what I mean and mean what I say but I can't follow that philoshy. I'm just me.
Spazz o'matic.
I just need to remember Hawaii in 31 days. This time next month I will be packing my bags and ready to hope on a plane to Oahu, where I will drink so much rum I will forget my name, I will kiss cute unavailable me, and eat real Hawaiian food. I will take so many pictures my camera battery will surely die out on me. I will be free and not give a damn about anything but relaxation.
Who knew I needed a vacation?!
Wow I feel better just knowing in 31 days I will be in Hawaii....good times!

Family

2009-05-08T20:16:00.001-07:00

My Family is an odd bunch.
My nephew is in town and he's staying with my dad during the week and weekend at my mom's house. Why they treat him like he's 12 is beyond me he's freakin' 19!! LOL Anyway, whenever I see my dad he finds something to lecture me about....but I realize its not so much a lecture its just his way of making sure he's apart of my life. He's not telling me I'm doing something wrong more like lets review all avenues. I guess I really am a Daddy's girl at heart.
Its strange my step niece and I.....I think we might actually be friends! So far we have music and tattoos in common. I think its a great bridge. Who knew if you open your eyes what you find in front of you.
I'm just happy they're around, the whole crazy lot....and I havent even started on my momma side....well some of them i can do without.

Dress shopping @ Torrid

2009-05-02T10:56:00.000-07:00

I've been slowly getting back into girl mode. I've bought 2 cute dresses for summer already but I know I need more! This is where one of my favorite stores come into play. Every plus size girl should have an account at Torrid.com or have a diva card. Torrid isn't just for the High school girls, they have some great items that will fit perfectly into an office wardrobe but more on that later. As I was doing my search for dresses I came across 2 dresses I must have this summer.

First I found this long black dress crocheted dress that I feel is just sexy. I can dress it up with sexy strappy sandles or even dress flip flops. I can see myself wearing on a date or just dinner with the girls (hey even on girls night out sexiness is still required. I.E. Carrie, Samantha, Charolette, and Miranda). This little gem is only $58.00, great deal!

Oh this multi-color green dress screams relaxation! Yes you can dress it uo but not too much. This is definately a day dress but still sexy! You can go shopping, brunch or even day date with the new beau. I think its worth $68.00.

I so need both dresses for my vacation....SUMMER PERIOD!! I love girl mode!!

Cathing up with Life

2009-05-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I've posted a blog for my self. I've been so involved with catching the 100Monkey shows and TS that I forgot about me. But I'm happy with all that its not like I regret not blogging about myself....I realize the world does not revolve around me. Now the Monkeys are kicking off their summer tour on the east coast I will working on new project for TS. Sometimes I can't believe the ladies from TS. They make me laugh as well as make me cry (but all in a good way!).
Sometimes its boggles my mind how just a year ago just thinking about going to a club and socializing would freak me out. Now I'm looking forward to meeting new people. As I lose weight the shy girl slowly leaves. I know I'm quiet by nature so that will never change but making that connection is becoming easier....well a little easier but still hard. I dont feel like a failure as much as I did before.
Today my nephew arrives and I've really excited. I haven't seen him in about a year!! URGH I hate the fact my sister and family moved to ATL but it also means I need to get out there and see them more.

100Monkeys - 2.17.09

2009-02-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

Last night at the 24K Lounge I caught another 100Monkey & Friends show. First we had Mikey and Josh. Oh Josh(white shirt)....so yummy its just not right. He's in that I'm a starving artist phase and that's hella sexy. I call him myfavorite future ex-husband. He's just so adorable and very talented guy, he kinda looks like Nick Lache but more real and NOT plastic. But he prefers blonde who are at least a size 6 (I'm neither but I still adore him!). His brother Mikey (plaid shirt) is really talented with he bluesy voice. He's a cutey also.

There was a really funny band on but I totally forgot their name but if they play again I will be happy. They had a song about anal glands that almost brought tears to my eyes from laughter. Then the Absolute came on, normally i really love them but last night they just wouldn't leave. They did 11 songs!! URGH!!! and it was so loud it felt like my ear drums were going to pop, that drives me nuts.

Sadly Jackson did not make it last night but it was on with the show for the other members. Uncle Larry played a song that was nice but I completely forgot the title (bad habit) but I did get a great picture of Jerad. He reminds of a cuter version of the lead singer of Muse and just as talented. Ben Johnson stepped up to the plate to cover for the missing Jackson, he did well but he's not Jackson. I just wish he would smile!!! It makes me feel obsessed to see if he can smile more than once. Why do i have a thing for surly guys?! Esp musicans!!

If I can give a guy advice.....learn to play an instrument.....PANTY MELTER!! LOL

Tonight

2009-02-17T12:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight I hope to attend the 100Monkeys show!! I need my Jackson fix!!
Its so addicting to just hang out and listen to the music. Its funny I'm starting to know the words to the songs.
An more importantly I hope to have my phone back this evening!! This is driving me nuts. I've given At&T almost $700 and they still want to tack on another $160. Does that make sense? I haven't had my phone since 12/29/08, thats almost 60 days!! URGH!!!

A little worried....

2009-02-15T21:46:00.001-08:00

Last week i went to a party and had to stop at a friends house because I was so cold. i figure go over to JV's and chill then go home. The chills got so bad, they even gave me tea and I never got warm. It was like I was outside in the elements and freezing to death. The other weird thing I would just fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, we figured that my potassium and iron was low. I'd planned to get those items but money was a little tight. I knew I needed to make a payment on my cell.
Today I woke up at 9 am....that's RARE for me. Then after coming home from the Grove adventure I slept on and off for 3 hours. At first I thought my sugar was high but now its not just that I think the lack of iron is getting to me. I just want to make it to Friday (payday!!). I feel like I do on Wednesdays after a 100Monkeys show. Just so drained. Normally when I take a nap I'm up way longer than my usual bed time. I have a feeling if I get into bed I would be out within 20 mins.
Yestersay was another sorta bad day for me not because it was V-Day it was my stomach. It hurt like hell. I think my jeans were too fitted (the were the right size for once), I had to change into my old jeans to relieve the pressure. But by then it was too late, it was nicer version of dumping for me but still painful.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T23:53:00.001-08:00

Today is V-Day! Its the dreaded day for most singles but for once its not bothering me. It's just another day, the way it should be.
My day start like any other Saturday, head out to Azusa, go to the library, grocery shopping, movies and dinner with friends. Typical right?
So why do we think if we're alone on Valentine's day its the end of the world? Or think if we're in a relationship we need some kind of gift (jewelry, candies, etc.)?
I say be happy you're not with a jerk like Chris Brown? I rather be alone than with the wrong person.

I'll be dating soon!

2009-02-01T18:46:00.000-08:00

Valentine Day is almost upon us and i need to start dating 2/15/09....well at least in the works of talking to guys. Since I'm so fucking shy I'm doing the online dating route. I did sign up at Eharmony but that is NOT panning out too well for me. So i will go with match.com and bbwpersonal.com. I already have profiles there but just need to pay so I can respond to people.
I was viewing the bbw site and saw a few cute guys but nothing that makes me drool like Kellan. I'm nervous about Match simply because I'm a bbw but it will be easier than Eharmony.
Dating is a bitch that's for damn sure!

More lay offs.....

2009-01-16T21:31:00.000-08:00

For weeks....actually months I've been watching companies announce they're laying off people left and right. Today it hit a little closer to home. My previous job Virgin did a massive lay off and they few people i knew that remained with the company were laid off today.
One girl has 3 kids and finally got into a position that really suit her because she's o social. Another guy also has 3 kids was laid off and I hope he uses his contacts in the gaming industry to find a job. Another 2 were older, the lady is a few years shy of retirement and the guy I have a feeling will eventutally find something (just make sure he has his daily dose of cookies). Another woman i didnt really care for but I still feel bad.

The worst part there was NO WARNING!! They didnt even give the people a week. They called them in one by one and said today is your last day. The few people I know in management were heartbroken they had to say goodbye to their staff.

I know nothing is guraeeteed (sp?), I do appreciate my job no matter what complaints I have. I know they're trying to keep as many of up as possible but one day this could be me. And I'm scared.

2009 already?

2009-01-15T17:08:00.000-08:00

I'mhappy to say the blues have seem to disappear. I think its because I've increased my calorie intake. My last flash of the blues happened during Girls Night. I was just not happy, Mari bought me a kickass scarf to make me feel better but I couldnt shake the feeling. Then the following week nothing and its been like that for weeks now. I'm loving it!

I signed up for Eharmony! I'm such an idiot. I broke one of my own dating rule....never date before V-Day. But guys on E don't want a BBW. They want skinny minny and that's cool. I'm just not that girl. Next month I'll figure something out. My best Friend is going through a break up and i feel bad. I think the guy is nice at times but he's not one for emotions. And for a fiery Latina that's not going to work. I just wish they work it out they're good together.

But I'm trying to do more. I've found a group that understands my Twilight craze!! LOL I can't think about Twilight all day and they think its normal, its ok to re-read the books and I won't get strange looks. I'm a happy member of Twilightmoms. I even went to the movies with some of the ladies from the group and indulged in my Twilight fascination.

As usual I think my love for Twilight is just the romantic in me. Then there's the girl who never had a HS sweet heart or actually been so in love at 32. That's just so sad. But I my goal is to love me first that's the only way to find that other thing I'm looking for.

I was talking with a co-worker about having kids the this week and I still have reservations about me being prego in 2 years but at the same time I want to see a little me walking around. My dream....no my desire to adopt is still there. I think it will make me happy in some odd way....until they become teenagers.

Just started watching the distrubing show Dexter, yet I like it.

Last week i read 9 books and none were Twilight. Most were Danielle Steele and James Patterson. I should really update my short and take it to the next level.

Dealing with today

2008-12-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Love songs are making me weepy, I get extremely lonely when normally I’m ok with my alone times. I’ve been thinking about Rob way too much lately. I think knowing we have NO contact is just odd too me. He removed me as a Netflix friend so I guess it was time to break that tie. But I don’t think that bothers me too much. Part of me is happy I wont receive that phone call or go to dinner and we end up in bed. I’m happy I don’t have that pressure but another part of me feels like I was left alone to find my way home but where is home exactly?

I’m trying not to get blue but its getting worst and worst. I even tried to hang with Jason but he’s only going to want sex. I need something more….I just need to be held. I love sex and all but for some reason it goes deeper than that. Its scary because I feel like I’m falling into an abyss and wonder if I will survive.

I need to reschedule my sessions with Dr. Susan, she really did help me because I was able to get things out on a weekly basis. The first of the year I’m going back!! I know she can fix my blues but every little bit helps.

Maybe it’s the Twilight addiction affecting me? Who knows normally I can space out when I watch a movie or read a book. Now whatever the characters feel, I then feel it too. And I feel like every wound is exposed and I’m bleeding out.

This should be a happy time for me. I’ve lost 40 lbs and still going strong (ok this week is a plateau). I feel great except the occasional tummy ache and dumping syndrome but other than that I should be on top of the world but all I really feel like doing is hiding from the world. It could be the rain…..what if I’m actually depressed because of the surgery. I remember the doctors telling us that….still strange didn’t think it’d happen to me.

20 days down and a lifetime to go

2008-12-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder who I am. I wonder who this woman really is?

On 11/18/08 I had Gastric Bypass, it wasn't an easy decision nor was it quick it was 5-6 years in the making. But its one of the best decisions I made for me and my health. In the last 20 days I've lost 20 lbs....so a pound a day. Part of me needs to hold on to that fat girl because she's been with me for so long. But another part of me knows I need to let her go and just be.

But who and what will i be?

My mom fears a slut with bad fashion sense. I told her I went through my slut phase so she doesn't have to worry about that.

My sister thinks I will buy more clothes than i can actually wear....I think that's closer to what I think but I like living away from mom so rent comes first.

My brother is just wondering how can he rag on me now the weight is dropping off.

I hope this helps me....no DRIVES me to do the things I've always wanted to do, try the things that frighten me, either conquer and succeed or try and fail. But if I don't try I lose, right?

I've wanted this surgery for so long that I didn't think it was going to happen. And when it did I didn't know how to act. It so rare that I get something I want really badly. Or is it I actually went for it and not give up? Is that the lesson I need to take with me?

Will I still be that same insecure girl in a relationships? Will I ever be able to tell a man who's treating me wrong to just go away instead of hoping maybe he will change?

I wrote the following the day before the surgery......

"I’ve been the fat girl for so long I’m wondering how to be the normal girl, instead of guys ignoring me making sure I didn’t get the wrong idea they might actually see me. This excites and scare me at the same time.

What if what Taisha says is true and my friends will change on me? I don’t have many so the few I have mean A LOT to me.

I was very fortunate that I didn’t grow up in a house where my family thought I was ugly. My mom made sure I understood I was beautiful just fat. She keeps saying after this surgery there’s not stopping you.

My parents worry about the surgery for different reasons. My mom thinks I will give it away whenever someone will smile at me (I hated to break it to her but I’ve already been through that phase) and my dad just hates the fact I have to go to this measure to be healthy. But they both love me and will be there for me.

Sometimes I’m stuck in that mindset of 10 yrs old when they first broke up. Where everything was numb and I don’t think I’ve felt much sense then. When I do I feel like I’m giving something away. Some part of my self and wonder when will they leave or stop loving me. Will the abandonment feelings ever leave? Will I ever feel like I can say how I feel without worry people I love leave me? "

Twenty days later I still feel this....damn i need to get back to my therapist!!