20 days down and a lifetime to go
Sometimes I wonder who I am. I wonder who this woman really is?
On 11/18/08 I had Gastric Bypass, it wasn't an easy decision nor was it quick it was 5-6 years in the making. But its one of the best decisions I made for me and my health. In the last 20 days I've lost 20 lbs....so a pound a day. Part of me needs to hold on to that fat girl because she's been with me for so long. But another part of me knows I need to let her go and just be.
But who and what will i be?
My mom fears a slut with bad fashion sense. I told her I went through my slut phase so she doesn't have to worry about that.
My sister thinks I will buy more clothes than i can actually wear....I think that's closer to what I think but I like living away from mom so rent comes first.
My brother is just wondering how can he rag on me now the weight is dropping off.
I hope this helps me....no DRIVES me to do the things I've always wanted to do, try the things that frighten me, either conquer and succeed or try and fail. But if I don't try I lose, right?
I've wanted this surgery for so long that I didn't think it was going to happen. And when it did I didn't know how to act. It so rare that I get something I want really badly. Or is it I actually went for it and not give up? Is that the lesson I need to take with me?
Will I still be that same insecure girl in a relationships? Will I ever be able to tell a man who's treating me wrong to just go away instead of hoping maybe he will change?
I wrote the following the day before the surgery......
"I’ve been the fat girl for so long I’m wondering how to be the normal girl, instead of guys ignoring me making sure I didn’t get the wrong idea they might actually see me. This excites and scare me at the same time.
What if what Taisha says is true and my friends will change on me? I don’t have many so the few I have mean A LOT to me.
I was very fortunate that I didn’t grow up in a house where my family thought I was ugly. My mom made sure I understood I was beautiful just fat. She keeps saying after this surgery there’s not stopping you.
My parents worry about the surgery for different reasons. My mom thinks I will give it away whenever someone will smile at me (I hated to break it to her but I’ve already been through that phase) and my dad just hates the fact I have to go to this measure to be healthy. But they both love me and will be there for me.
Sometimes I’m stuck in that mindset of 10 yrs old when they first broke up. Where everything was numb and I don’t think I’ve felt much sense then. When I do I feel like I’m giving something away. Some part of my self and wonder when will they leave or stop loving me. Will the abandonment feelings ever leave? Will I ever feel like I can say how I feel without worry people I love leave me? "
Twenty days later I still feel this....damn i need to get back to my therapist!!
On 11/18/08 I had Gastric Bypass, it wasn't an easy decision nor was it quick it was 5-6 years in the making. But its one of the best decisions I made for me and my health. In the last 20 days I've lost 20 lbs....so a pound a day. Part of me needs to hold on to that fat girl because she's been with me for so long. But another part of me knows I need to let her go and just be.
But who and what will i be?
My mom fears a slut with bad fashion sense. I told her I went through my slut phase so she doesn't have to worry about that.
My sister thinks I will buy more clothes than i can actually wear....I think that's closer to what I think but I like living away from mom so rent comes first.
My brother is just wondering how can he rag on me now the weight is dropping off.
I hope this helps me....no DRIVES me to do the things I've always wanted to do, try the things that frighten me, either conquer and succeed or try and fail. But if I don't try I lose, right?
I've wanted this surgery for so long that I didn't think it was going to happen. And when it did I didn't know how to act. It so rare that I get something I want really badly. Or is it I actually went for it and not give up? Is that the lesson I need to take with me?
Will I still be that same insecure girl in a relationships? Will I ever be able to tell a man who's treating me wrong to just go away instead of hoping maybe he will change?
I wrote the following the day before the surgery......
"I’ve been the fat girl for so long I’m wondering how to be the normal girl, instead of guys ignoring me making sure I didn’t get the wrong idea they might actually see me. This excites and scare me at the same time.
What if what Taisha says is true and my friends will change on me? I don’t have many so the few I have mean A LOT to me.
I was very fortunate that I didn’t grow up in a house where my family thought I was ugly. My mom made sure I understood I was beautiful just fat. She keeps saying after this surgery there’s not stopping you.
My parents worry about the surgery for different reasons. My mom thinks I will give it away whenever someone will smile at me (I hated to break it to her but I’ve already been through that phase) and my dad just hates the fact I have to go to this measure to be healthy. But they both love me and will be there for me.
Sometimes I’m stuck in that mindset of 10 yrs old when they first broke up. Where everything was numb and I don’t think I’ve felt much sense then. When I do I feel like I’m giving something away. Some part of my self and wonder when will they leave or stop loving me. Will the abandonment feelings ever leave? Will I ever feel like I can say how I feel without worry people I love leave me? "
Twenty days later I still feel this....damn i need to get back to my therapist!!
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